| there are visions much clearer than these blurs you see |
[January27,10@9:11pm
] |
acid is practically invisible, like a listerine strip. hair down to my ribs, feeling that familiar itch, that crazy 15 year old itch. i used to really feel things, i used to feel everything; couldn't not feel it, needed it.
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| january |
[January24,10@1:10am
] |
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not really caring about anything, being alone, being 19, being in love, talking all the time, broke, keeping secrets, i have big hair, i have some friends, i know when to stop.
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| i just think you should know |
[January20,10@6:48pm
] |
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i'm not good at anything! besides maybe knowing everything about celebrity culture! and my skin's always dry! i feel like i can't breathe sometimes! i'm too tall! my eyelashes are invisible without mascara! i lose everything! i judge everyone! i'm paranoid! i drink too much or i don't drink enough! i never drink any water! i eat sporadically and only junk food! i don't wear half of what's in my closet! i work at a retail chain! i'm not good enough for certain things! i lie! i'm terrible at sports! i'm a terrible runner! i get tired very easily! i'm too thin in certain places and too heavy in others! i still listen to songs i shouldn't! i still cry sometimes over things that aren't my fault.
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| courage. |
[January16,10@1:53am
] |
the only thing worse than never receiving everything you ever wanted is getting everything you've ever wanted, because then it's all just a juggling act while you wait for everything to drop. or like the games we play at restaurants, where we stack the sugar packets in neat little triangles until you push too hard or the balance is too delicate and they all tumble all over the table and the waiter laughs. here's the thing: life used to be a puppet show for me and i used to see all the fucking strings. and love was not a real thing but instead it was acted out and i couldn't remember any of the right lines. here's the thing: when i met you i watched all that porcelain and wood turn into real skin and bone. when i met you, the strings disappeared.
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| falling in love at this volume |
[January9,10@2:44am
] |
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days are wrapped around you and i swore i would never be that girl again but there's freckles on our hands that are in the exact same places and doesn't that mean something? remembering days when i used to hold everything i had in one boy, how i used to think i would never be out of his grasp. i saw him for the first time in almost two years in december and it was finally, finally real to me that time distorts things and that the person you were four years ago might have absolutely nothing in common with who you are now. i kissed him, and i held his hands and it was real then; i don't love you. maybe i only loved you for a very brief period of time, briefer than i had ever wanted to believe. it's even possible that i only loved you because i was 14 and moldable and ready to finally experience something. i would never tell anyone that it wasn't real or that it never existed but it had a specific time and place and nearly everything after that was my own fear polluting real emotion. the same fear i've always had - people choose not to love me and still i love them. kissing you in december and thinking, if we'd had no past would i even be here right now? if we were strangers would we have any spark at all? do we have anything in common, did we ever have anything in common? thinking about how i'm living on my own, how i moved thousands of miles away on my own, thinking about the qualities in myself that i like. did we ever share any of the same qualities? thinking about you attending a school you don't love, living in a place you don't love, you told me you loved your girlfriend but then you kissed me, didn't you? thinking if i hadn't known you before, if you hadn't at one point in time been sad and sweet and awkward, there might be nothing i could find genuine about you.
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| car talks |
[January5,10@10:41pm
] |
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"i remember once you came over but you didn't tell me you were coming over, and it was over 3 am when you finally showed up. you weren't saying anything and maybe i got jealous, maybe i was always jealous over you because it never felt like you gave me everything, just a piece of everything, and i asked you questions but you weren't answering them, questions like "where were you tonight?" and you weren't answering them you were just laying there. and finally i gave up and laid down beside you, and then you snuck your little tiny hand into my own. and i remember i resisted and then you grabbed again and i pushed you away and you grabbed me again until it was kind of a game and then you were on top of me and i pushed you off and then we were making love. but it wasn't like it normally was, it wasn't soft and careful this time, i felt your nails deep in my back and my hands were around your neck and i was watching you and your eyes were so fucking big, i've never seen them that big. they covered your whole face and you never blinked once."
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| don't we all need goals |
[January1,10@4:22pm
] |
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in 2010 i will: find a way to supplement my income. be kinder to erik and my mother. excercise in some small way; biking, walking, etc. save as much money as possible. keep updated with the news. keep projects going at all times. continue to read and take book reccomendations. keep my room, hair, body cleaner. cook dinner a few nights a week. remember to always be kind and stop judging people so harshly. take an interest in music again. refuse to seek others approval. try extremely hard in school. try to be cheerful, even when it's hard.
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| sexton |
[December20,09@1:43am
] |
she is so naked and singular
she is the sum of yourself and your dream.
climb her like a monument, step after step.
she is solid.
as for me, I am a watercolor.
I wash off.
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| i will never see you except when it's cold |
[December16,09@1:56pm
] |
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waiting for you to open your arms and say I Was Wrong About Everything, I Was Wrong All Along but you'll probably still just be kissing me in the front seat of some car in the middle of the night, girlfriend tucked away several hours hence. pale skin, long eyelashes, freckles all over your arms and i'm letting it happen.
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| for You and You and You and You |
[November26,09@12:24am
] |
meet me and change my life
compliment my hair in line at the supermarket
tell me how thin i am
and how much you like it.
and like me, and take me to the ocean
or to your grandmother's house in mexico
or to the mall so we can shoplift
take off all my bracelets and my rings every night
make me stir fry from the bag,
or in the crock pot, or cereal for dinner.
make me feel like i'm 15 again because
those were the times when i liked you the most.
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| an act of desperation |
[November20,09@12:17am
] |
Hi Bill, this is Ema, I'm a student in your telecourse psychology class.
I'm writing because I have a problem, and I wanted to see if there was anyway you could help me with it. I fully understand that it's my responsibility but I hope that you will work with me, if you are able to.
I'm not sure if you knew this but I work full time and I also fully paid for the course with my own money. For these reasons, I was hesitant about taking time off for Christmas, even if only for a week. I wasn't sure that I had the funds for both a plane ticket as well as a week's vacation. I moved from Texas, so any time I visit it has to be carefully planned and orchestrated. By December I won't have seen my parents for six months.
I spoke with the manager at my work about transferring back to my old job in Texas, so that I could work while I was visiting. She told me that that was entirely possible, but that the only way I could transfer was if I was visiting for a long period of time, atleast a month. We decided that I would leave December 2, and come back on the 31st. I booked my plane tickets and filled out the necessary paperwork to transfer.
As I'm sure you've realized at this point, your class has a final on December 9th. I'm writing this to see if there's anyway I can take the final before December 2nd. I can have all other assignments turned in, and I'd be more than happy to meet with you for the final review session. I know that this is extremely inconvenient, but I believe this is the only way that I can come home for Christmas.
Thank you,
Ema
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| i wrote this one year ago today |
[November19,09@1:19am
] |
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he says i feel way too much and he's right, the world is sharp, painful. and ready to burn you; a bird dying in the road. some beer cans stashed behind the playgrounds and the pre-schools. his hands at your throat when they should have been at your waist. getting older every year. noiseless static on the tv. some cloudy morning drive when you know you could kill yourself; wish you had the courage.
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| prayers about november |
[November10,09@5:52pm
] |
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growing my hair out long long long like '05 and please god let me keep my sanity this time and keep old boyfriends away keep me safe and rained on up here, let every drop be a piece of happiness that i've finally received.
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800birds's journal
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day 3: zucchini frittata with garlic-tomato spaghetti. we skipped the honey glazed chicken because it just looked so bland compared to the others. this was probably my favorite meal. 
day 4: stir fry with noodles. we omitted the tofu because tofu tastes like cardboard and because it's a little expensive. all in all, i would recommend. i definitely added some recipes to my huge collection (and by huge I mean macaroni and cheese with bacon and stir fry from the bag with rice).