| got nervous, started whistling |
[November2,09@2:19pm
] |
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soaking up all those hours that everyone else throws away; the early morning, early afternoon, the hours between 4 and 6 AM are not wasted and they are not unnoticed instead they are spent neatly contained in our arms and eyes and mouths.
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| Our union is like this: You feel cold, so I reach for a blanket to cover our shivering feet. |
[October27,09@7:47pm
] |
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i've been reading so many books; i can't really count on the weather because it is pouring one day and the sun's blazing the next day and so everyone knows washington rains and rains but i didn't know it would come and go all the time. we're having a halloween party and my friend is coming into town and all our spare time is now spent cutting tiny bats out of foam and putting spiderwebs in every corner of the house and thinking of creepy food we can buy for under ten dollars. i made myself a ladybug costume, (i'm actually wearing it now, at the library after work where we get to wear costumes all week) which includes a red felt cape with black spots hastily glued together one night and a handmade ballet skirt. i'm in love with this town, i feel like i love it more and more every day.
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| Reading too many Marilyn Monroe autobiographies |
[October18,09@5:51pm
] |
"Monroe wanted to be an artist. She was one of the few I'd ever met who took that crap seriously. That's what killed her, not the other. She wanted to be acknowledged as a great actress and yet she wanted to be loved like a child and obviously you can't have both. You have to choose what you want the most. Me, I chose neither."
Ava Gardner
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| i just want to know how you know everything all the time |
[October14,09@4:24pm
] |
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i have to remember and i can't forget that these are the best days, and everything is still tilting around all the time and the years are spinning by and i can tell you exactly how it felt to be 14 and 15 and 16 and 17 but the universe will never give them back.
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[October9,09@4:47pm
] |
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it's october and all that really means is one more month until november and all that really means is that it's been years and years and years and have i changed, i have changed, i have changed.
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| humans |
[September28,09@6:55pm
] |
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all the leaves are dying on the trees, i have no money for anything. i went to the social services building with my social security card, and two pay stubs, and the tiniest tiniest smile, and i told them i have no money, i have a job but i'm barely meeting rent, no i can't ask my parents, no i can't ask my parents, no i can't ask my parents, and now the goverment sends me 112 dollars worth of food stamps every month. yes, this is hard. i'm 18 years old and none of my clothes fit right and i can't afford health insurance and that's not even unique; there are hundreds, there are thousands
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| what are we all talking about |
[September25,09@1:39am
] |
it's nearly october baby, get the fuck over it
everyone is moving on and moving on and moving on
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[September23,09@6:20pm
] |
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400 girls auditioned but they picked me and twenty others for the hair show in seattle and the swanky hyatt regency and i haven't slept in two days and i'm still picking false eyelash glue from underneath my eyelids but hey, i did it, and i got paid, and i never would have dreamed that things could open up for me as swiftly as they did.
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| wasp nest |
[September10,09@5:26pm
] |
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you told me "ema, i don't know what to do, i'm not happy, nothing is right. the school wasn't right, and the place isn't right and i am not happy" and i have said all the correct things: "you can transfer, things might get better, give it some time" but really all i am thinking about is over a year ago, on the phone, when you told me not to contact you, because you are happy with her, okay, and everything is better now, better than it ever was with me. and i'm not telling you we weren't both miserable back then, i'm not telling you i wasn't crying twice a day every day, i know your parents hated me and i know things weren't easy, but looking back now weren't those the good times? looking back now, has anyone loved anyone as much as we loved each other?
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| e street |
[September8,09@12:52pm
] |
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the days are slowing down and the clouds are rolling in and the air is just a fraction crisper, and every day i work work work then come home to three smiling faces who are always so eager to help me with something, to save room on the couch for me to read while they all play guitar and feed me ten leftover chicken nuggets because they thought i might be hungry later. there is so much generosity here, so much kindness. in the mornings when i'm bleary-eyed and barely conscious they hand me cups of coffee. and at nights we drink wine and make food and there's always some adventure: rigging up the bike to hold a pizza on the back then a trip to papa murphy's where we tie it on and everyone's laughing, and sometimes we make up dumb trivia games and constantly drawing and constantly smiling and i am learning something new everyday-did you know the most human bones are in the foot? i can't wait for the leaves to change.
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| jasmine fiore |
[August28,09@10:20pm
] |
i don't know why it makes me so sad to read about a stripper, a dancer, an actress, a 28 year old woman with nothing basically; no real sense of self or morals or hope, married to a millionaire after two days, and then he beats her and she has him arrested (and that's the only part that's truly unique among thousands) and for months they don't speak, until just before her death they are seen together, like maybe things can be okay, and he walks into a hotel with a grey suitcase and he leaves with her body. he strangled her, and then he chopped off her fingers and toes, and left what used to be her in dumpster in los angeles. and she had been so badly mutilated they couldn't identify her body even; had to cut her open to use her breast implants for the serial number.
and i know this is just one sad life, just another dead stripper and i know there are many but i can't stop thinking about death lately, and the impact left behind. i mean, she must have been so scared, i mean, everything must have happened so quickly; maybe she couldn't even really place where everything started to go wrong.
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[August24,09@11:10am
] |
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going on some dates with this local DJ, i'm kicking everyone's ass at the weekly texas hold em' game, i wear my fake fur to parties and god, august.
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[August20,09@10:24pm
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There's things about you that I will never understand and one of them is your confidence. I remember, driving back from Houston, pushing 65 miles per hour and your brakes went out; how everything became very, very slow. I had time to watch you assess the highway, the impending red light, the white SUV merging lanes in front of us. I watched you casually throw your emergency lights on, throw your palm on the horn, watch everyone else swerve and sweat around us. Five or six seconds later and we were both laughing, coasting, time sped back up to meet us and hey, we didn't get killed. That's exactly how you looked at me right after, like it doesn't matter, because we're still alive. You put your palm against my face and then you took it away.
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| hair timeline |
[August18,09@8:59pm
] |
15 years old - long, long, long.
16 years old - collarbone length, darker red.
17 years old - short, short, short.
18 years old - past my collarbones, down my back
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[August17,09@10:24am
] |
i never use my car anymore, it just sits on the curb and collects dust i am taking the buses everywhere, i am getting lost all over town. a few days ago i was walking along the highway and i found a huge field of blackberry bushes and so now we have blackberry cupcakes, and galettes, and cobbler. i fell asleep in the grass next to the rocks by the sea and i woke up because the sunset hit and everything was pink and gold. i kissed someone in the deep dark woods and i spend a lot of time on my roof, i spend a lot of time making food, then eating it slowly slowly while i'm planning out my day. i work a lot but the rest of my time is wide open and i'm never bored, never feel anything even vaguely resembling boredom and when have i ever been able to say that before?
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800birds's journal
