| for You and You and You and You |
[November26,09@12:24am
] |
meet me and change my life
compliment my hair in line at the supermarket
tell me how thin i am
and how much you like it.
and like me, and take me to the ocean
or to your grandmother's house in mexico
or to the mall so we can shoplift
take off all my bracelets and my rings every night
make me stir fry from the bag,
or in the crock pot, or cereal for dinner.
make me feel like i'm 15 again because
those were the times when i liked you the most.
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| an act of desperation |
[November20,09@12:17am
] |
Hi Bill, this is Ema, I'm a student in your telecourse psychology class.
I'm writing because I have a problem, and I wanted to see if there was anyway you could help me with it. I fully understand that it's my responsibility but I hope that you will work with me, if you are able to.
I'm not sure if you knew this but I work full time and I also fully paid for the course with my own money. For these reasons, I was hesitant about taking time off for Christmas, even if only for a week. I wasn't sure that I had the funds for both a plane ticket as well as a week's vacation. I moved from Texas, so any time I visit it has to be carefully planned and orchestrated. By December I won't have seen my parents for six months.
I spoke with the manager at my work about transferring back to my old job in Texas, so that I could work while I was visiting. She told me that that was entirely possible, but that the only way I could transfer was if I was visiting for a long period of time, atleast a month. We decided that I would leave December 2, and come back on the 31st. I booked my plane tickets and filled out the necessary paperwork to transfer.
As I'm sure you've realized at this point, your class has a final on December 9th. I'm writing this to see if there's anyway I can take the final before December 2nd. I can have all other assignments turned in, and I'd be more than happy to meet with you for the final review session. I know that this is extremely inconvenient, but I believe this is the only way that I can come home for Christmas.
Thank you,
Ema
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| i wrote this one year ago today |
[November19,09@1:19am
] |
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he says i feel way too much and he's right, the world is sharp, painful. and ready to burn you; a bird dying in the road. some beer cans stashed behind the playgrounds and the pre-schools. his hands at your throat when they should have been at your waist. getting older every year. noiseless static on the tv. some cloudy morning drive when you know you could kill yourself; wish you had the courage.
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| prayers about november |
[November10,09@5:52pm
] |
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growing my hair out long long long like '05 and please god let me keep my sanity this time and keep old boyfriends away keep me safe and rained on up here, let every drop be a piece of happiness that i've finally received.
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| got nervous, started whistling |
[November2,09@2:19pm
] |
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soaking up all those hours that everyone else throws away; the early morning, early afternoon, the hours between 4 and 6 AM are not wasted and they are not unnoticed instead they are spent neatly contained in our arms and eyes and mouths.
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| Our union is like this: You feel cold, so I reach for a blanket to cover our shivering feet. |
[October27,09@7:47pm
] |
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i've been reading so many books; i can't really count on the weather because it is pouring one day and the sun's blazing the next day and so everyone knows washington rains and rains but i didn't know it would come and go all the time. we're having a halloween party and my friend is coming into town and all our spare time is now spent cutting tiny bats out of foam and putting spiderwebs in every corner of the house and thinking of creepy food we can buy for under ten dollars. i made myself a ladybug costume, (i'm actually wearing it now, at the library after work where we get to wear costumes all week) which includes a red felt cape with black spots hastily glued together one night and a handmade ballet skirt. i'm in love with this town, i feel like i love it more and more every day.
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| Reading too many Marilyn Monroe autobiographies |
[October18,09@5:51pm
] |
"Monroe wanted to be an artist. She was one of the few I'd ever met who took that crap seriously. That's what killed her, not the other. She wanted to be acknowledged as a great actress and yet she wanted to be loved like a child and obviously you can't have both. You have to choose what you want the most. Me, I chose neither."
Ava Gardner
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| i just want to know how you know everything all the time |
[October14,09@4:24pm
] |
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i have to remember and i can't forget that these are the best days, and everything is still tilting around all the time and the years are spinning by and i can tell you exactly how it felt to be 14 and 15 and 16 and 17 but the universe will never give them back.
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[October9,09@4:47pm
] |
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it's october and all that really means is one more month until november and all that really means is that it's been years and years and years and have i changed, i have changed, i have changed.
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| humans |
[September28,09@6:55pm
] |
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all the leaves are dying on the trees, i have no money for anything. i went to the social services building with my social security card, and two pay stubs, and the tiniest tiniest smile, and i told them i have no money, i have a job but i'm barely meeting rent, no i can't ask my parents, no i can't ask my parents, no i can't ask my parents, and now the goverment sends me 112 dollars worth of food stamps every month. yes, this is hard. i'm 18 years old and none of my clothes fit right and i can't afford health insurance and that's not even unique; there are hundreds, there are thousands
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| what are we all talking about |
[September25,09@1:39am
] |
it's nearly october baby, get the fuck over it
everyone is moving on and moving on and moving on
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[September23,09@6:20pm
] |
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400 girls auditioned but they picked me and twenty others for the hair show in seattle and the swanky hyatt regency and i haven't slept in two days and i'm still picking false eyelash glue from underneath my eyelids but hey, i did it, and i got paid, and i never would have dreamed that things could open up for me as swiftly as they did.
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| wasp nest |
[September10,09@5:26pm
] |
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you told me "ema, i don't know what to do, i'm not happy, nothing is right. the school wasn't right, and the place isn't right and i am not happy" and i have said all the correct things: "you can transfer, things might get better, give it some time" but really all i am thinking about is over a year ago, on the phone, when you told me not to contact you, because you are happy with her, okay, and everything is better now, better than it ever was with me. and i'm not telling you we weren't both miserable back then, i'm not telling you i wasn't crying twice a day every day, i know your parents hated me and i know things weren't easy, but looking back now weren't those the good times? looking back now, has anyone loved anyone as much as we loved each other?
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| e street |
[September8,09@12:52pm
] |
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the days are slowing down and the clouds are rolling in and the air is just a fraction crisper, and every day i work work work then come home to three smiling faces who are always so eager to help me with something, to save room on the couch for me to read while they all play guitar and feed me ten leftover chicken nuggets because they thought i might be hungry later. there is so much generosity here, so much kindness. in the mornings when i'm bleary-eyed and barely conscious they hand me cups of coffee. and at nights we drink wine and make food and there's always some adventure: rigging up the bike to hold a pizza on the back then a trip to papa murphy's where we tie it on and everyone's laughing, and sometimes we make up dumb trivia games and constantly drawing and constantly smiling and i am learning something new everyday-did you know the most human bones are in the foot? i can't wait for the leaves to change.
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| jasmine fiore |
[August28,09@10:20pm
] |
i don't know why it makes me so sad to read about a stripper, a dancer, an actress, a 28 year old woman with nothing basically; no real sense of self or morals or hope, married to a millionaire after two days, and then he beats her and she has him arrested (and that's the only part that's truly unique among thousands) and for months they don't speak, until just before her death they are seen together, like maybe things can be okay, and he walks into a hotel with a grey suitcase and he leaves with her body. he strangled her, and then he chopped off her fingers and toes, and left what used to be her in dumpster in los angeles. and she had been so badly mutilated they couldn't identify her body even; had to cut her open to use her breast implants for the serial number.
and i know this is just one sad life, just another dead stripper and i know there are many but i can't stop thinking about death lately, and the impact left behind. i mean, she must have been so scared, i mean, everything must have happened so quickly; maybe she couldn't even really place where everything started to go wrong.
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800birds's journal